Thursday, 31 December 2009
I talk too much to myself
Marcus coloured @ |13:31|
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Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Forbidden Senior-Junior relations
I used to think that everyone was like me.
Big mistake.In sec 1, I was a strong believer of
senior-junior relationships. One that would create a sense of belonging and mutual understanding.
I used to be very close to a senior (name, I shall not mention), 2 years ago. I remember once on MSN:
me: IC (that time), how come you didn't invite me to view your blog?
senior: well, because cpl (???) said we cannot be to close to your batch.
me: but why? does she hate me?
senior: no, she doesn't. it's in order for you all to respect us.
me: but IC, I like and respect you because you are nice, not because you are mean.
senior: aww. ok, invited ;)
I was naive then. Very.
I used to think: nice people= good, mean people= die b!tch!!!
I was determined to break the barrier that coexist between seniors and juniors, mainly due to my hurt experience. I want juniors to understand the rationale of our actions. I wanted change.
Been trying to say that. But I fear you think i'm being too crazy and never brought it up again. ever. Till this day, because Sir had voiced everything I wanted to say for 3 years.
===============================
There was just ONE BIG PROBLEM, that I failed to discover.
People are different. For 2 years, I took juniors for first aid. I really thought that being nice would work out good, but I only made things worse...
Closing one eye, I've spoilt them. My peers worked hard. All it took was one nice guy to spoil it. I ruined it.
Perhaps, my thick skull shall never fully understand the
forbiddancy of a senior-junior relationship which I still dearly treasure.
I regret. not because of what you did. but because of what I did.
- to my juniors
================================
I may snap soon. My evil side ain't pretty people.
Marcus coloured @ |19:42|
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Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Parallel Universe - CCAs
I'm feeling really isolated from my SJAB squad mates lately. Actually, this feeling has been with me for quite long... like let's say... SEC ONE? D:
Have you ever wondered, how it's like if you joined another CCA? Well I really do. I've studied a little about parallel universes. And that it's possible that another YOU could be living right now doing something slightly different.
Volleyball, library and choir were all nearly my CCA. Maybe somewhere out there, there is another me, where my appeal to SJAB was declined.
What kind of person would I be in another CCA?
If I'm in volleyball, I'm sure I'd be the shortest player lol. Perhaps, I'd REALLY know what it's like to be a champion. And have treasured teammates (:
Or maybe I'd be a librarian. I'd go there every recess and yell at people to be quiet. (: And I'd read, loving my job.
Or I could be in the chorale. Travelling overseas. Sing with scholars. and become equally talented in music as my sister. MUHAHA YES >:)
...
Or perhaps, the other mes are having it rough. And they wish they were in SJAB.
Well. Recently, I've falled completely in love with... the media club <3
No, I'm not betraying St John!
It's just that... things seems so much simpler there. There may not be a lot of CCA points, but they're a big family of four (departments). Well... I could be biased since I've met many awesome people there this year. You know who you are ;)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh dear. I don't seem to be treasuring what I'm having. OMG, seriously, this isn't like me. Forget what I said.
=============================
I try to be nice
so I willingly
let people manipulate me
so I can be their friend
Yet I want something in return
which I usually I don't get
And I think people hate me
and I think I did something wrong
So, I try to be nicer
so I wilingly
let people manipulate me
...Labels: parallel universe
Marcus coloured @ |21:29|
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Monday, 28 December 2009
Needle
I thought you liked me liked me
But you just liked me
Perhaps, I am like
a needle in your haystacked life
trying to mend you
but only hurting you more
You were important to me
and I thought I was to you
But that was just a delusion
You have much better things to do
than to be with me
I'm just a friend
nothing less
nothing more
It's forbidden
but i thought you'd figured out
that I am waiting eternally
Despite knowing the chances we meet
is like finding that needle in a haystack
But apparently,
that needle
isn't even there
Marcus coloured @ |13:17|
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Friday, 25 December 2009
Blue christmas
Unlike the tale, no star in sight,
For the city was bathed in light.
Festive colours of green and red,
Spins around my lethargic head.
My legs hurt from door to door
What's with christmas any more?
Sang carols till the clock said 2
My voice was gone this christmas blue
Gingerbread, pretzel and cookie mound
I grew heavier yet by another pound
Singaporean winter: rains from heaven
Pitter patter makes it 24/7
Contradictions were christmas bringing
A silent night with sleighbells ringing?
A peaceful night with rehersals and singing?
I certain lost what's Christmas meaning.
Marcus coloured @ |22:09|
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Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Kampuchea Tales #7 - Still nights
Rest of December Holidays. AKA SLOTH (Simply lonely on the holidays)
Been thinking alot at the oppotunities that passed me by.
The world can carry on without me.
For I am in no positions. Just floating around.
So I must start now, or is too late?
Marcus coloured @ |22:50|
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Sunday, 20 December 2009
Kampuchea Tales #6 - Needs and Wants
1 December 2009. The last day in Cambodia.
We were at the Russian market. After the inccident at the Angkor Wat, where I was "harmlessly" cheated by the keychain girl, I did a lot of shopping to satisfy myself.
I used almost all my money.
52 US dollars had gone bad.
Everything I saw, I wanted.
Should I feel happy or sad?
And there came a point where I really don't know who I was.
Material goods are temporary. Yet, we all crave for it.
In the end, we urbaners are still bombarded with...
Advertisements, Bargains, Sales!
And we're stuck in the abyss of temptations
Had a strange dream. I was 6 and given a box of chocolates with other kids. I saw that the chococlates were detailed and perfectly sculptured (rabbits, candles, etc.) While other kids ate theirs immediately, I felt it's such a waste to eat them and I gave them to random people on the streets.
I know, to you, this is some child-fairytale dream.
But it's sort of a reminder, of my childhood.
When I was young, I always saved the best for last and wanted to share
Have I been a glutton lately?
At times, I wished I was in Savong orphanage...
where a bicycle means everything.
Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |14:21|
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:D
She started off, not as a white dove
but a balancing raven on threadbare love
Sitting in the nest of flames- a vindication
Of her strength, her name, and her re-creation
Fearing not rejection nor social hate
Her feelings overtures to contemporary fate
Clout he had, but with provoking air
He was mired in his delusive lair
Yet still unyielding to a humpty's fall
His silent calls brings hope to all
Mindfully amiable, he knows what he does
Heights he will reach, no doubt, no fuss
Side by side we climbed up those hills
to fetch inspirations in rusty pails
Despite hollow rancours we all possess
I love you guys, you are the best!
- Dedicated to Leishi and Liren :D
P.S. Pretty rough poem... sorrys.
Marcus coloured @ |13:05|
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Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Aiming for VJC
Aiming for VJC.
I don't wanna go to some college USA, but mom wants me too.
I prefer to stay in Singapore, my hometown.
Oh dears. I'm the opposite of other people.
Marcus coloured @ |19:04|
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As your wish... Live life with no regret. We will support you! :D
Cambodia Post-its
Cambodia is upside down. literally.
Their light switches. Up=on, down=off.
The word "sony" was printed upside down on the TV
The larger side of the styrofoam food box is the cover.
And now... I understood.
That the sticky sides of post-it notes are faced up.
I wasted time, writing on the wrong side.
Have I been doing things wrongly as well?
============================
Note to self: Don't buy Cambodian post-its. They don't really stick.
Hence, I decided to waste them by studying Chinese:
I failed. GB wins
Marcus coloured @ |10:45|
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Crossover
A normal post after a tedious period of reflection.
I've noticed that lots of Sec 3s are having their
crossovers. That means: they are gonna stop playing, and study hard for 'O's.
So I've decided, that I shall do the same.
I'm left with maths, english, chinese and a bit of physics left. (Finished Chem and History!) Not to mention: NYP, XSP reflections/initiatives and AC trainings to go!!
I also need to restock my wadrobe because my clothes are so tiny now. :O Lately, I've been meddling around with the music industry. Exploring all sorts of music and neglecting my art. Music is so addictive... D:
Stalked and caught a cockroach just now.
I've also caught the facebook syndrome. must... stop...
I hope my crossover succeeds...Let's work hard together everyone! ^^
Marcus coloured @ |01:37|
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Sunday, 13 December 2009
Kampuchea Tales #5 - Fragmented history
30 November 2009. Visit to genocide musuem AKA S-21 in Polpot's regime.
Authorities
Black n white
Chilled
Dried
Empty
Faces
Gruesome
Haunts
It's hard for me to feel much. I don't share the same roots as the Cambodians, how can I ever feel hated and wrath?
It's simply impossible to comprehend this. I never experienced a regime before.
Hence,
I feel angry at myself for not feeling angry. A mixed-up irony?
The tour guide lady, unlike me, was a survivor. She suddenly talked about her experience about running away. Her family's gone. Her daughter died. As I hear an eyewitness recount, I feel more accustomed to their feelings.
The lady now earns a living off her unwanted memoirs.
For the sake tourism, Cambodians are re-living the past.
What does this all mean?
History shapes the presentAnd here, is a legion of questions. Brace yourselves people:
Cambodia is supposed to be agricultural society. And there is a sudden leap to tourism.Is there a short-term economic growth? Are service sectors just pretending to please the tourists for the sake of surviving? Do they even have a long-term goal to improve the standard of living?Will the young ones ever accept Polpot's regime? Will adults ever overcome their past? Will the government try to cover black history up? Is education the missing piece to development? Is the newest generation the ones needed to lead Cambodia?How many orphanages are out there? Are there some that no one ever knows? Is it fair that money always goes to the well-publicised ones? Who's the real people in charge of the orphanages?Is the government doing enough? Or can they even do anything? Do the money we send ever reach the poor? Is everything engulfed in corruption and pandemonium, or is there still hope? What initiatives have been done? Are they effective enough? And why... are there so many unanswered questions?But most of all: What's next for Cambodia?Maybe, no one shall ever know...Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |20:05|
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Friday, 11 December 2009
Kampuchea tales #4 - Give by taking
29 Novemember 2009. The day that everyone says is impossible to describe. But being the stubborn boy I am, here are 7 couplets.
Each block finds a place in artPlastic bricks built from their heartPencils scratch on papered floorsDraw open life's infinite doorsFolded sheets of nature's woodRivet the ceilings with pristine goodMelodic rhymes and nurseric beatsFill the rooms with alacritous feetsWhispered words with he who readsBrings to light their daily needsPlans were buried in sunburnt clayInnocent musings had swept the dayEveryone's tied by an invisble cord.Though each orphan's on his own accord.Unfortunately,
language has a limitation. Indeed, no words can explain the mixed feelings we had. Reality brings limits.
We came, while knowing that life won't improve.
They opened up to us, while knowing that we will go.
Nothing bad will change, nothing good will stay.
Don't you wish things were the other way?
========================================
HUGS.========================================
My greedy arms never want to let go...I don't deserve it, but I want more...
Do you hear my heartbeat rising?...
Am I selfish?...
Our visit to Savong Orphanage.
We did what we could
Which isn't much.
We took more.
We feel guilty.
But it's through taking, that we gave to the orphans as well.It's a never ending cycle.
We took this experience, now let's give it.
Share it to the next generation of scholars.and the next...
and the next...and the next...Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |16:19|
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No replies
I spoke online.
Got no replies
Waited for it.
Time just flies.
Have I talked weird,
That people feared,
I am stalking them with shifty eyes?
My loggohorea,
is off the hook.
Tried to stop.
I can't look.
For their bore,
Could last no more.
Yet they dare not say my gobbledygook.
I'm so free.
Too much time.
Is no comments,
considered fine?
To me, it counts
as it amounts
to the friendship that we might bind.
Time can't wait,
They're all not free.
To spare a second,
To talk with me.
But please, reply,
if we pass by,
For I want to know what you think of me.
Marcus coloured @ |01:02|
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Thursday, 10 December 2009
Kampuchea Tales #3 - Soft
28 November 2009. Yet another disturbing road to self discovery. This day, my beloved XSP went to the orphanage again.
But the road begins in the bus. I had been denied the chance to play "tap tap" (a game on Wei Li's iphone), even after bugging him several times. When he finally let me play, he added jokingly that it was because
I was kind of too soft.
Soft? Sensitive?
Am I too passive?
I don't wish to put it this way,
but is my character kind of gay?
But there's a chance to prove em wrong
When the swapover brought some labour along
This was my chance to show em my spirit!
Pray for me folks, I'll just do it!So you get the picture.
A hypersensitive boy trying to prove his manness in the middle of Cambodia. How more exciting can it get?? :)
Mixing Cement150kg of cement mix.
18 buckets of sand.
Nearly a gallon of water.
These were the ingredients chosen to make the perfect cement.
But XSP added an extra ingredient to the concotion -- Enthusiasm.
*The above statement already proves my childishness. * ----- Just kidding!On a more serious note, I shed my blood, sweat and tears trying to mix the pile of mess up. I was really determined to make a difference.
I didn't complain.
But I grew weary.
For I wasn't aware of that missing ingredient.
It was only when the scholars sang riduculous songs, did I realise the importance of child-like behaviours.
No amount of manly labour placed can amount in strength to the joy of the youthfulness within.To be hard, you also had to be soft.PaintingWAIT. It doesn't just end here. The next activity was the painting of the rooms. Not only did we just sing songs, we even roleplayed characters*.
*Roleplay
Lydia - Phua Chu Kang
Wern Chieh - Bob the builder
Liren - Siti
Marcus - WanitaDo you sense a paradox? The girls were construction workers and the guys were maids! Despite our exotic, oriental filipino behaviour, the guys' job as maids were to sweep the grasshopper-infested room. They are unwanted, dead and alive. Yes, the guys were the only ones daring for the job.
I managed to pick one up, and sweeped it to freedomFirst AidI had a lot of cuts from the wire fence while painting, but I'm proud of them. NO bandaids for me. But I did give treatment to Sofia and Wei Li, who had large incisions. And the rule of thumb of being a first aider is...
Tender Loving CareWhoa. Fate keeps telling me to remain as soft as I am now.After that, We went shopping
...
Hey!
Who said shopping wasn't manly? :D
=========================================
All of us bought gifts for the children. We used $368 for
Sugar, rice and everything nice.Bicycles were the more valued gifts.
They literally SQUEALED for joy.But to me, the best gift of all...
Is the softness in your heartLabels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |13:08|
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Kampuchea tales #2 - Fear
Cockroaches are my greatest fear.
Not anymore.
27 November 2009. "Savong orphanage". The name itself is the assumed answer for the child who questions his parents abdonment.
I played with you dearies, yet I wasn't participating.
Green is my colour,
I picked it yesterday.
Peaceful but passive
But very envious.That is my innate sin.
Jealousy was eating me up.
My self esteem had vapourised.
I lacked interaction or leadership.
I wasn't really emotionally impacted.
I longed to know how the others did it.
I begin to wonder, unfortunately, why I was even here in the first place.
Do I even deserve to be here??. And I feel out of place when everyone displays their abilities.
Everyone has a talent, I haven't found mine yet.Soon, my cynical brain was cloudy.
I doubted who I really am.
but I didn't show it.
No one noticed, to my relief.
But in me, I desire that people will know. Hence, I picked the brick wall and broken pot chiji card in our reflection time. The wall represents the exterior, visible features and the pot is our soul. The meaning was simple:
Even if a person looks strong, it doesn't mean he is never weak.
Even if a person looks happy, it doesn't mean he is never sad.
Even if a person looks simple, it doesn't mean he hasn't have a complex problem.The next thing I knew, I met a cockroach in the toilet.
It was huge.Instinctively, I decided to catch it. It happened very fast. I had no idea that catching a cockroach was so easy. It went down the toilet. Flush, flush, flush.
I had overcome the dreaded fears
of the insect which lived a million years
The logic behind it is now clear.
For envy is my new greatest fear."Will I overcome this new fear?" I ask.
And it was as though the cockroach said,
"If you could flush me, I think so."Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |17:31|
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*~*
Oh crap. There's still a lot of homework.
*~* Feeling a bit lovesick. I want to mingle.
Not in the mood to do work.
Marcus coloured @ |17:27|
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Culture shock
Innocently went to BBQ hosted by Lucas. Most of the people, whom I don't know, are kinda hardcore. (no offence)
There's some smoking, beer, piercings, rebonded/dyed hair, vulgarities and even hanky panky.
This experience with Liberal Singaporeans as a stark contrast with the rural Cambodian kids I just met a week ago. My brain hurts a little from seeing two great extremes within a fortnight.
Even within Singapore, people lead different lives. Liberals, though they break rules, lead their lives freely. But we conservatives have a planned route in life.
It all just goes down to social divisions... where reality says we can't fit too perfectly. ):
And sometimes,
I wonder is laws have diluted our freedom of taste and sense of style.'Do we plan our lives, our do our lives plan for us?'Just a daring thought from another perspective. :D
Marcus coloured @ |23:06|
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Saturday, 5 December 2009
Kampuchea art.
Expression in art. No copyrighted licence. Feel free to save.
Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |12:19|
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Thursday, 3 December 2009
Cambodia (overall thoughts)
The quest to ameliorate the orphans' pyschological scars may not be long-term, but there was something genuine about that smile that the young ones evoked.
We never could comprehend that they established pure trust in our visit to Savong Orphanage. We thought both the language and psychological barriers implanted only a small degree of friendship. Yet, despite the fact that our stay was short, they cherished every moment they could, not fearing the loss of a friend. This was a great agape that transcends between the borders of differing worlds.
And we never want it to end.
It was through God's will and our destiny that broke the invisible gates between scholars and orphans. This was a chance of a lifetime, and we must cherish it. Don't be sad it ended, be glad it happened.
==========================================
Personally, my mother said I had matured by my request to pray for the sick in the group. No longer was I that hopeless, lil boy who gets kicked around by circumstances and mired in relationships. I had hatched into a firm young man, able to make decision and ready to face reality.
Indeed, I feel this new beginning, the very start of the next chapter in my life. I had overcomed my greatest fear of all - Kastaridaphobia (fear of cockroaches). I didn't know how it happened, but because I wanted to help my roommate, I just caught the cockroach, and flush it down the toilet. All without a single thought. It just happened instinctively.
I also discovered my materialistic nature, despite my denial, in the story of the Keychain girl. Ohh, the guilt is still lingering in me! I'm blinded by my own money that I did not see the true poverty in Cambodia! I can't stop thinking about it.
Each day brings a test and torture to our emotions. Emotions that I'm sure that everyone knows no human language can explain. It's the unfathomable idea that we can never do anything, ever, to ameliorate their plight. And yet we still came.I guess you already know how sensitive I am to everything. I'm really sorry to anyone I acted cold towards. Despite my sanguine, naive exterior, I secretly cry in my heart everyday. That's why I brought up the "broken pot, brick wall" analogy that just because someone is strong outisde doesn't mean he is weak inside.
But now, I guess I should be happy about how much I've grown. It was never possible without God or anyone else.
==========================================
And socially, I begin to understand the xinmin scholars. The days we sang while painting. The eccentricism which fuels our energy. And the fact that we could scream "I LOVE YOU", proves that this XSP batch is deep, and we are unique. I admire everyone, I really really mean it!!!
In my previous CIP trip to Thailand, when I shouted "I love you", my own friends called me insane. That, of course, is the average Singaporean reaction. But we are special, does anyone notice that? Ohh how I wish I could know XSP better! Why must the trip be at the end of XSP?
However, I suffer an insecurity breakdown now. In the reflection booklet: "You support and nuture your best people by genuinely celebrating their victories and supporting their good ideas. Feeling threatened by their success is not you." That is the thing which pulls me down. The thing is, the ONLY life-changing thing for me about 2009 was this trip. I had failed to take part in more projects like most of the other scholars. I guess my envy is growing and eating me up. I don't know what to do... ):
Perhaps, one day, everyone might forget this whole thing. It might end up, lost in the spectrum of memories, as we continue our lives towards adulthood. While many of us are fearing that the children will forget them, I fear the scholars will forget me. We share lot so of time togther... I've learnt so much about everyone, and I don't want to lose you guys. Am I being selfish? :\There, I said it.
"I want to be remembered." - What does it mean?
- Signing off, Marcus
========================================
Quotes I remember (sorry, I didn't record everyone's):
We were too busy planning the activities that we did not see what they were planning to say - Wern Chieh
Do not be held back by what you cannot do, just do it - Wei Li
Love transcends the barrier of language and culture - Esther
But to start off, we must change ourselvs - Sylvester
Ignorance is bliss (for insects) - Sylvester
It’s a country that doesn’t have a direction, that’s just trying to survive, and in the process making it even harder to go forward - Liren
It’s a country where people put up shows for us all to see, not wanting anybody to see what’s underneath for fear of losing the chance of survival - Liren
It’s a country where people either live in extreme poverty or in extreme wealth, and no in between - Liren
Improvement starts with an I - Mr Tay
Knowledge is useless if you don't apply it - Mr Tay
Do you want educate the kids or inspire them to educate themselves? - Mr Tay
Don't go back thinking we have done nothing, neither think we have done alot - Mr Tay
'Make an impact' is ambiguous - Ms Lie
Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |21:11|
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Kampuchea tales #1 - The keychain girl
I'm going to write deep thoughts about Cambodia trip here. It's kinda long, so sorry.26 November 2009. The sun was glaring directly above, trying to penetrate the solid walls of the Angkorwat, the magnficent temple which faced West, as though to say
"Both of us have been taken forgranted". Right in front of it was a pond of water lilies which were swarmed with peddlers, each anticipating tourists to sell goods. But admist the crowd of people who try to steal their customers, if you look really closely,
you see the hearts of the young ones who barely get US$1 a day.
There were scarfs, hats, sunglasses, paintings, books, bracelets, shirts, fruits, drinks and all of the little ornaments and pieces that makes Cambodia what it is.
But amongst them was a girl around 10 who was selling keychain-nailclippers about US$5 each. I call her the keychain girl. She wore a hat, longsleeved but thin clothes, and her hair was dishevelled.
She looked very carefully, with much effort, not to lose sight of any tourist who might become a potential customer. I became a victim of compassion, as you might call it, when she approached me. Of course, the scholars were adviced to ignore them lest we end up spending all our money.
I haggled and bargained will I got around US$3 but I decided to walk away.
She couldn't bear to lose her customer, perhaps I could be her first today. She told me,
"Red shirt guy, please wait, I give you for $2." I turned back to see her running to me. I really didn't know what to say and decided to give $2 to her and pocket the keychain.
It was a bronze angkorwat."Thank you!" she said,
her eyes were gleaming at the crisp notes.
After a while, I met another women who sold keychains. She was much older, and carried with her, a basket to put her products in. Like everyone else, she dared not lose a customer. When I passed her, she told me, "6 for $5".
Instantly, I stopped.
What a great deal! Each keychain that was worth less than a dollar! But do I really need another 6? Such a price its unimaginable. Without stopping ot think, I gave in to my lustful heart and flaunted $5 to her.
As I was about to leave, the keychain girl approached me again, asking me to buy her items for $2.
I had enough of all this price raising business! "I bought 6 for $5, you sell me 1 for $2??" I snapped at her. The girl was taken aback but she quickly added, "I sell you another 5 for $3". But what was I to do with 12 keychains?
I walked away, without a word or any soul, while she tries to persuade me again, "Another 5 for $3, red shirt guy! Good deal??"
I suddenly felt horrible.
As though I had fallen right into their plans and have been cheated. I hated myself for being so sensitive and comapssionate. They were just people eating of the tourism money, and you call that fair?? And thus, I complained, to my friend, Leishi who also fell into a tourist trap.
Back at the hotel, I suddenly recalled the whole situation and wonder what I appear to be like . I mean, did the girl have a choice to raise the price ($5)?
It wasn't really her fault that she is poor or anything. I suddenly feel a stirke of guilt at how selfish I had become that day. $2 was just a pinch of wealth to me, but a day's luxury for the not so well-to-do Cambodians. How could I have been so materialistic? How could i treat the keychain girl in such a rude manner?
Was my compassion to buying the $2 keychain really out of compassion or was it just because the price dropped from $5 to $2?Now, the bronze angkorwat lies in my treasure box, for it leaves behind the memories of my horrendous lust.
It's meaning is priceless but I bought it at $2.Now that's a great deal to me. Labels: Cambodia
Marcus coloured @ |17:52|
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Lei Shi, @ 17 December 2009 14:13
